18 years ago today

18 years ago today, originally uploaded by gawdessness.

I was so scared as my husband, my young husband, drove us to the hospital...
I kept hoping that those odd crampy twinges I felt were the actual beginnings of contractions and that I would already be in labour
and wouldn't need to be induced
and I was also so worried,
could I do this?
Really?
and I know that I didn't have a choice anyway but I still wondered if I could get through this thing called labour, transition and birth..
turned out to be a good question
as my blood pressure sky rocketed and my husband, my young husband, was warned that it could be very touch and go for his wife and their baby to be...
it took hours and a lot of nurses and different doctors
and something very memorable called a mid forceps delivery
and finally there he was...
placed on my chest for only a few seconds before being whisked away
so that oxygen could try and turn him from blue to pink
and it did
and heat lamps warmed him
while they put me back together again
a very changed woman
now I was that something called a mother
and I understood with a raw and visceral understanding
what that actually meant

I loved him then and every second of the way
and oh the mistakes I have made
I am sorry for each and every one of them
and yet somehow
in spite of them
he has turned into the most
wonderful man

wishing him this happy birthday and many, many more